How To Feel Loved (And When To Quit Trying)

What I’ve Learned About How To Feel Loved

Colin Beavan

Jan 31, 2025

You have to expose yourself.

Because how can you feel loved if you are not seen?

The hard news: Not everyone you hoped will love what you expose.

But others will love you more.

And still others will arrive to replace those that don’t.

There will be readjustment and realignment. It will be hard.

But in the end, you’ll feel loved.

And you will be better able to give love.

When to Quit Trying to Be Loved by Particular People

I’ve always been a little scared of myself.

Here’s why:

Some people treat life as though it is inherited—life is the way it is.

Some people treat life as though it is created—life is the way we make it.

Catherine MacCoun, in On Becoming An Alchemist, says it’s like there are taxi drivers and taxi passengers.

🏎️ Some take life where they want it to go.
🚕 Some go where they think life wants them to go.

I think I have always been a creator, a driver. And that’s why I’m a little scared of myself.

What if I drive the wrong way?
What if I create the wrong life?
What if you don’t love me?

So, I’ve sacrificed parts of myself in order to be less challenging to people. I’ve stayed inside other people’s lines to feel safer.

But what if staying small to feel loved isn’t actually love?

What Wicked Taught Me About Love & Power

In Wicked, Elphaba—the young woman destined to become the Wicked Witch of the West—finally realizes she can no longer stay small like everyone else.

But she wants a companion.

She invites Glinda (destined to become the Good Witch) to run away with her.

She says:

“Come with me, think of what we could do together. [It will be] unlimited.”

Two companions, both with magic power! The possibilities! (And yes, I want that, too!!)

But Glinda can only love Elphaba under certain conditions.

Glinda can only be her companion if Elphaba lives by the rules.

And Elphaba realizes something painful but freeing:

“Too long I’ve been afraid of losing love, I guess I’ve [already] lost.
Well, if that’s love, it comes at much too high a cost.
I’d sooner buy defying gravity.
Kiss me goodbye, I’m defying gravity.”

Sometimes, we keep ourselves small in order to keep certain people close.

But true power comes from fully embodying who we are—even if that means letting go of those who can’t love us in that fullness.

Flying Solo, or Flying Free?

I don’t think we have to fly solo.

But I do think there is a transition—a shift to a new set of people—when we truly embrace who we are.

✨ I am enough. You are enough. ✨

Sometimes, we have to make a choice:

💭 Are we willing to be small to be loved?
💭 Or are we willing to trust that the right people will love us when we step into our power?

Because here’s what I believe:

🚀 When you let go of those who need you to be small, you make space for those who will celebrate you at your full size.

Let’s Talk About It

Where in your life are you staying small to keep someone close?

What would change if you trusted that the people who truly love you will meet you at your full size?

👉 Leave a comment or hit reply—I’d love to hear your thoughts.

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