One Way We Hold Ourselves Back
When we try to be "self-sufficient," we close ourselves off from literally an entire universe of resources.
In this newsletter, I am going to show you how you might hold yourself back from growing and expanding in every way that is important to you (and tell you that you can do the opposite of the thing I am going to mention and you can grow and expand better and faster than ever).
I’m also going to invite you to some events that can help you banish this tragically limiting behavior (scroll to the bottom if you want to get straight to the events).
You can also hit reply, leave a comment, or just tap the “like” button to let me know you’re out there. Thank you for being part of my growing newsletter!
“I Should Be Able to Do It Myself”
The behavior I am speaking of—which may be the most limiting behavior there is—is one that so many of my clients exhibit when we first start working together.
It goes like this:
After a small number of sessions and some really meaningful progress, someone might say, “I love everything you have taught me and now I would like to see if I can apply it by myself.”
“Is it the cost?” I might ask.
“No.”
“Is it that you don’t get value from our sessions.”
“No, I love our sessions.”
“Then, why on earth would you want to stop?”
Then, they might cast their eyes down and look ashamed and say,
“Because I should be able to do it by myself.”
Self-Sufficiency Is a Myth
One of my favorite self-help gurus Byron Katie writes,
“You can have anything you want if you are willing to ask 1,000 people.”
She doesn’t say, “You can have anything you want if you can be self-sufficient.”
She doesn’t say, “You can have anything you want if you do it yourself.”
What she actually points to is: You can have anything you want if you are willing to enroll other people in supporting you.
“I should be able to do it myself” is NOT A THING!!
⏸️ Take a Moment To Reflect Here:
What’s something you’ve told yourself you should do alone—even though deep down, you know asking for help would move it forward faster (and maybe even make it more joyful)?
Nothing At All Is Done Alone
Human beings cannot outrun a tiger. They cannot kill prey with their claws or teeth. The only asset we have is our big brain which makes us really good at communicating and collaborating–relying on each other!!
As I type, I am sitting at a diner, eating my lunch. You could say I am a self-made man–I get to go out for lunch in the middle of the day.
But nothing about me and my lunch are self made. I couldn’t write this newsletter without this computer which literally relied on thousands of people to get built. I didn’t even cook the omelette I just ate.
If I said, I should do it by myself I would literally starve and have no newsletter and no readers!!
Your Mind Can Be As Big As You Let It Be
What we all really need to do is not “Do it by myself” but get other people enrolled in our missions and activities in a way that is both good for them and expands the number of things we can do and accomplish.
Consider This:
If you define your mind as the place where your ideas get formed, but you have a conversation with someone and they give you an idea, then that must mean your mind (the place where you get ideas) includes that other person!
Asking people for help literally makes your mind bigger!!
From Stage A to B to C
Back to what my beginner clients say:
“I should be able to do it by myself.”
Does that mean everyone else should also be able to it by themselves? What a hateful world it would be if that were true.
So here is what I say to my clients:
“You were stuck at a stage–let’s call it stage A–before we started working together. How long were you stuck there?”
“A long time.”
“But you have quickly, in our work together, moved to stage B,” I tell them. “And I feel certain you can manage at stage B by yourself for a long time just as you managed at stage A. My question for you is, though, can you move to stage C by yourself? Or is it work with another person that will help you to keep growing?”
Because here is the thing, people do NOT grow outside of relationship.
It is like the monk who thought he got enlightenment after spending many years by himself in the forest. Then he came back to the village and immediately shouted at the children he thought were undisciplined.
Come Grow Together
So here, as I promised, is the way you can stay stuck forever. Simply say, “I should be able to do it by myself.”
OR–and here comes the invitation not to do things by yourself–you could come join one or more of my workshops.
Some are online and some are in person.
Some are for anyone, some are for coaches, some are for both.
If you are a coach, come to:
A limited series of free online workshops about keeping your own “stuff” separate from your clients, working with clients with different processing styles, amongst other things. Secure your spot here.
A couple of in-person workshops about identifying and managing your own emotions in relationship with clients and also a coaching paradigm to help clients create themselves from the future. Apply here and let’s have a chat.
If you are a coach OR a leader, creative or teacher (of any sort), come to:
A series of free online workshops where we explore the habits, stories, and mental patterns that shape your reality—so you can reshape them. Secure your spot here.
Three in-person workshops where you learn to recognize and manage the emotions that may confuse your otherwise good leadership, reinvent yourself into the person you need to be to accomplish what otherwise feels impossible, rejuvenate yourself through regulate your nervous system, reconnect with your inner compass, and return to your life with clarity and calm. Apply here and let’s have a chat.
Please click on the links above to learn more about the workshops. I hope you will come!!
Thanks for reading till the end. I’d love to hear what this stirred up in you.
Have you ever believed you should do it alone? Did that belief serve you—or cost you something important?
Leave a comment below—or just tap “like” to let me know you’re out there.
Love,
Colin