Three Steps To Make Scary Aspirations Come True

A simple practice that helps me stop running from old stories—and grow towards the life I most want.

When I was 15 years old, I was arrested for the third time. I stood in front of a judge, terrified I’d be sent to juvenile jail. No parent by my side. No adult helping me through it. Just me, a kid dealing with things too big for him and scared to death.

I’ve never written about this publicly before. But today, I want to tell you that story—not because it’s dramatic, but because it’s deeply connected to something I see in myself, in my coaching clients, in my Zen students, and maybe in you.

It’s about how we unconsciously shrink from the lives we most want to live—because we’re afraid of how moving into our aspirations may trigger old feelings about the most painful parts of our pasts.

And this post is also about one simple, powerful tool—one that the therapist and author Phil Stutz calls “The reversal of desire.” It’s a tool that can help us walk straight into the hard stuff—so we can finally grow beyond it.

Ancient Wisdom, Modern Struggles

Photo by Bram. on Unsplash

In point of fact, though Phil came up with a fancy name for the tool we’ll talk about—“reversal of desire”—it’s really just what we have heard for ages: “feel your feelings,” “face your fear,” and on and on.

As Saint Thomas wrote, “If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.”

It’s ancient wisdom.

What is modern is my renewed recognition of the extent to which NOT taking this advice can truly hold us back from living our fullest lives.

And by us, I mean me, my coaching clients, my Zen students, my friends, my family, my partners and… YOU!!

Before we move on, please excuse my interrupting the post with this reminder that I have some exciting events coming up that I think could help you.

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You don’t have to do it alone.

A Memory That Hit Me Hard

What brought this tool to mind was that I was in a recovery movement meeting the other day and someone was sharing how she landed in court before a judge as a youngster and how her mother had driven a whole day to be by her side.

I suddenly had this vision of myself at age 15, standing in a courtroom, talking to a judge, with no parent at all with me. I had been arrested for the third time for fairly minor drug-related crimes.

My lawyer had warned me that, this time, they might not just let me off. This time, there was a chance I would go to juvie jail.

That’s the memory. But what happened the other day, in the recovery movement meeting, was I began to weep.

The woman who was sharing talked about how her mother had driven across the country to be by her side.

What I was remembering was a mother who had refused to be by my side. I had dug my grave–almost literally–I could lie in it, my mother said. She didn’t help me hire a lawyer. She didn’t help me pay for it.

I’d always thought this was a form of tough love that led me to permanent abstinence from drugs and alcohol. But the other day, in the recovery movement meeting, what made me weep was that I was 15–fifteen! - with no mother to hold onto.

And I wept.

⏸️ Take a Moment To Reflect Here:

Tell me in comments, is there a story that might still be driving how you respond to challenge or opportunity today?

The Deepest Story

But what also happened as I felt these stored up feelings, sitting in a folding metal chair in a church basement, was I clearly heard the most fundamental limiting story I have.

If you let yourself be authentic and spontaneous, you will end up in court metaphorically facing jail. And your mother will punish you further by making you face it alone.

Or more generally:

If you let yourself be authentic and spontaneous, you will end up in so much trouble. And you will have to face it alone.

And then, sitting in the recovery movement meeting, what I was doing could no longer be called just weeping. I hid my face. What had kicked the weeps to stifled sobs was that I heard my mind say:

I am so tired of doing all of this alone.

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A Big Vision Meets an Old Block

There is a big vision for my life that I am sometimes trip over and block and don’t fully throwing myself into. Sitting in that recovery movement meeting, I realized why. It’s that quiet little voice: I am so tired of doing all of this alone.

The big vision:

Photo by Joshua Earle on Unsplash

After eight years of coaching heart-driven leaders, creatives and guides, my practice is almost at capacity. Now, I am in the midst of manifesting an amazing possibility of huge growth in my practice and impact on the world.

Speaking of impact, by the way, sometimes, I worry that my coaching doesn’t have the impact I used to have when I wrote books and spoke around the world and ran a non-profit. So the other day, I was riding my bike and I put together some numbers.

Collectively, my clients manage 11,000 people. Philanthropically, my clients together give away $5 billion a year. Clearly, the better leaders I can help my clients to be through coaching, the better many people’s lives are.

Supporting my clients, as I do, a lot of humanity benefits.

So the vision I am manifesting is to make all this bigger. I want to build it up. In fact, I want to 25x it.

For that reason, I am gathering a community of other coaches to work with me. (Come to my online events for coaches, by the way). Together, we will build a subversive, under-cover community of impact-driven leaders who change the world.

I and the team I am building will relieve the leaders of their blocks and help them live in awe and joy so that their creativity and generosity is fully released to transform us all into dignity and happiness. The work will complete when the entire world can live in play.

When I talk about this with my coach, she says, “Colin, all of this can happen much sooner than you think.”

What Stops Me (and Maybe You)

Want to know what I say to her on a bad day? Want to know what thought paralyzes me when I want to be creative?

If I am as authentic and spontaneous and intuitive as I need to be to accomplish this, I could get in so much trouble. I will have to face it all alone.

I am so tired of doing all of this alone.

Photo by Dylan Gillis on Unsplash

The Lucky Part

There is a lucky part. Sitting in that recovery meeting, crying, I realized what stops me from throwing myself full-force into my vision is having to face the uncomfortable feelings that come with my old fear of getting in trouble and being alone.

Here is the thing:

I did not go to jail that day in the courtroom. I did, at 15 and by myself, raise the money to pay the lawyer. I did stop doing drugs and drinking alcohol. I did graduate from one of the UK’s red-brick universities at the top of my class and I did get a PhD there, too.

I have run businesses, founded non-profits, written books, made a movie, and run for Congress.

I coach some of the most accomplished philanthropic leaders in the United States.

I am not that kid in the courtroom and I face none of the danger or isolation that he did.

Yet, I have feelings stored in my body and brain from when I was 15 and earlier. And sometimes, when I lean on my vision to move forward, those feelings get triggered.

Then, I put on the brakes. Not because there is a real danger. Because, in truth, I AM SO NOT ALONE. I have so many communities and friends and people who support and love me.

I put the brakes on because there are feelings in my body that I am scared to feel. There are tears to be wept while sitting in folding metal chairs in church basements that I don’t want to weep. There is discomfort to be felt that I don’t want to live in.

Here is the question and I am so lucky that I get to know it, so lucky that it was revealed to me in that recovery movement meeting the other day:

Is it more important to me to avoid that discomfort or is it more important to me to move towards my heartfelt vision?

Stutz, Pain, and the Reversal of Desire

In The Tools, Phil Stutz and his co-author Barry Michels write about a high-school running back who was the best in his league. It wasn’t because he was the fastest or the strongest. It was because of his attitude towards pain.

When he got the ball, instead of trying to avoid his opponents, he would deliberately run straight into the nearest tackler. He would move into potential pain on purpose.

Eventually, he was not afraid of pain the way all the other running backs were. So he was free to truly play football and that made him the best.

He did what Stutz calls “reversing your desire.” (Learn about Stutz’s reversal of desire tool here).

Most of us desire to avoid pain and discomfort. The problem is that to do what we want in life–to grow and expand and accomplish and enjoy and become the fullness of ourselves–requires that we are not scared of pain and don’t act to avoid it when it stands on our truest path.

What I’m Doing About It

When I was crying at that recovery movement meeting, I realized that what could stop me from 25xing and growing my subversive impact community was that I didn’t want to re-feel the feelings of being in so much trouble and alone like when I was 15.

So what I’ve been doing, I’ve been telling people about it—the time I nearly went to jail and there were no loved ones to be found. How alone I was.

I’ve been using Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping) on it. I’ve been crying to my coach and therapist about it. I told my sister about it. I cried while I was writing this post about it.

I’ve been running into the nearest metaphorical football tackler about it. Also, I’ve been telling people my truth in different ways.

Three times this week, I’ve told different people what kind of ways I am willing to be in relationship with them, even though I was scared of being in trouble and getting left alone.

In other words, I am deliberately running headlong into situations that bring up my “I’m going to be in trouble and abandoned” fear.

The more I do it, the more willing I am to be in it’s presence. The more willing I am to be in it’s presence, the more able I am to move forward intuitively and spontaneously into my big vision for my huge, impact-driven coaching collective.

A 3-Step Way to Remove The Blocks

Photo by Jason Leung on Unsplash

So here is a way to deal with an aspiration you are scared or uncomfortable to pursue:

1. Discover the fear or discomfort that blocks you;

2. Deliberately move into the fear or discomfort;

3. Let yourself really submerge in the discomfort.

In fact, tell yourself you love feeling it and probe it like a sore tooth. Create situations that deliberately expose you to the discomfort. Deliberately seek out the pain. Do what you would otherwise avoid until you have no need to avoid it.

⏸️ Take a Moment To Reflect Here:

What fear or discomfort have you been organizing your life around avoiding—and what might change if you chose to face it head-on?

The point here is about discovering and then fully leaning into the sources of discomfort rather than trying to avoid them. Honestly, my “I’m tired of doing this alone” story was operating so far in the background that I didn’t even know it.

Leaning into it—chasing after and deliberately trying to stimulate the feeling of “I don’t want to do this alone”—I no longer have to avoid it. So I can do all the things to grow my subversive, high-impact coaching community.

When trying to avoid feeling the feelings no longer stands between you and your aspirations, you are done.

You are free!

Love,

Colin

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