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Cassandra Tondro's avatar

Interesting post, Colin. Thanks for sharing your very personal story. I have a similar experience -- well, maybe not quite the same. When I was a child I would get homesick every time I tried to spend the night at a friend's house. Physically sick and panicky, so bad that I had to go home. I didn't know what was causing it, and I felt tremendous shame. It didn't stop me from continually trying to spend the night away from home, but the result was always the same.

Then when I was 12, I went away to camp for two weeks. I was so looking forward to it, but the same thing happened. Sick and panicky. I couldn't eat, I couldn't participate in any of the activities. And I couldn't go home because I was 1,000 miles away. Went away to college at 17 and the same thing. I was so depressed and nonfunctional, and my parents told me I couldn't come home. I had to stick it out for at least a year, and then I could decide. I wasn't even going to classes anymore. I knew that staying there would kill me, so I somehow managed to pack everything up and get on a Greyhound bus headed for home on my own. Shame, rejection, and my parents were furious.

This goes on and on and on, and sadly, it doesn't have a happy ending. I'm now 71 years old, and I still have these feelings. I also repeatedly manifest people who abandon me. I've done lots of work on this -- therapy, bodywork, EFT, EMDR, meditation, trauma release. I've learned to manage it and to be OK with being alone, but it does limit me in some ways. I'm just happy that I have managed to survive and have somehow found my way through a lot of difficult times.

I do feel the feelings, very clearly. Almost every day. But I haven't been able to move through them. Thanks for being there and for listening. I really enjoy your posts!

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Sarah's avatar

I think this is the answer to so many of the troubles of our human brains, to intentionally go toward what's uncomfortable. I know from my own adventures through anxiety that when we can accept our fears and really feel them, we can make our way through them. It's a long process to rewire our minds, but if we have education, helpful guides, and are patient and kind with ourselves, we can do it. Thanks for clarifying this in terms of career and impact aspirations.

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