I'm still at the beginning of my journey with acknowledging what's happening inside me, but I've made a lot of progress. And so when a bad mood knocks on my door I acknowledge it. I say out loud: "I'm in a bad mood today. It will pass."
But it took me years to get here. Before I would allow it to take me on a crazy rollercoaster of emotions, from anger to tears. To the point I would feel exhausted at the end of the day. It was my partner (now husband) who told me to pause and reflect. He was the one to call it first by its name "You're in a bad mood" and hug me instead of attack back. That helped me a lot.
Bad moods, like any moods, are poignant indicators. I used to push them away, distract myself from them, even shove them down so I wouldn't have to truly face them. Now, I get curious. What's catalyzing the bad mood? What do I need? What is stirring? And how can I truly sit in it and let it fully in? There is always beautiful, crunchy wisdom in stored in there.
Something I've noticed in myself is that often what feels like the onset of a bad mood is more accurately described as the friction of a change in what's alive for me. Maybe I was doing one thing and really enjoying it and then I wind up trying to hold on to that particular feeling through that activity instead of noticing that that moment has passed and it's time for whatever's next. I feel like the trick, which I haven't mastered yet, is to have just enough friction to be able to act in the world but not so much as to be battered by the natural flow of life.
Hi Kimberly. Yes to this! The friction of change for what's alive for me. I have been contemplating how anxiety and depression for me, when they come, are often related to ways in which I am frustrating my own creative expression--in art and life.
I will share that earlier today I was out and someone asked me to change my behavior towards them. I am not going into details but I will promise that I wasn't doing anything unkind. I told them, frankly, that I absolutely was not going to change the behavior and that if they needed to not be in the presence of it then they would just have to choose not to be in the presence of me.
It felt so powerful and wonderful to find myself saying that, and easily, without a lot of thought.
Then, the person said that, actually, they liked the way that I behaved towards them but that they just found it hard to be with.
The rules! It is scary to break them all the time but the more I do, the less bad moods I have.
And of course that's a whole nother level - including another person in the dance of what's alive. Sometimes I find the option you describe to be right for me as well, determining that this is what I'm doing and what being with me means. Other times, say if I'm doing an activity with others or caring for a child, I don't want the consequences of following only my own flow, so I need to expand my sense of aliveness to include the needs or preferences of others. When I'm highly compatible with someone, that might come naturally and effortlessly, but it doesn't always.
By the way, I go by Kimberly. "K" is also fine if you don't want to type all those letters :-)
I'm amazed that you remember that! I'm enrolled in the online master's program through Atlantic University. This term I took an independent study because the course I was planning to take had insufficient enrollment. I've got about a week and a half left and am working on the final paper at this very moment.
Have you followed the links through to any of my in-person or online workshops. I think you might be interested. Look in the post. One is in-person is coming on June 28.
What will you do with degree? Have you found more satisfying work?
Sorry for the slow response - I'm not very familiar with this platform and didn't notice the notifications. I honestly don't know what I'll do with the degree in a practical sense; I just knew I wanted the kind of in-depth study that comes with term papers and interactions with others. As far as work goes, I have a few leads but nothing paying yet. But I'm really excited about the CareerShifters Launch Pad starting in July - I mentioned it at the first of the recent online workshops. I think you might appreciate their approach. I don't know a lot, of course, since the program hasn't started yet, but they're all about connecting with people in an organic way and getting out and trying things.
You might be interested to know that I subscribed to your newsletter after reading your book How to Be Alive (saw it during a random wander in the library) and then looking you up online to find out more. I very much enjoyed the book and particularly resonated with the part about the cycle of loneliness and how to break it.
“No one is unkind for the sake of being unkind. People are unkind because they are uncomfortable and they think that what they do will shift their discomfort.”
Love this!
When I can get still enough to talk to my grumpy brain like it’s a poor grumpy creature, when I can ask it what it needs (often sleep or food or quiet time alone) and tell it I will take care of it as soon as I’m able, I find the darker moods pass sooner rather than later. Unlike when I was younger, this helps me tend to the mood myself without grumpily bumping into the world around me.
Of course, you said all this so eloquently here, but thanks for asking for us to join in!
I’m rarely in a bad mood, and when one hits, it’s very painful. I was in a dark place last Sunday with a lot of social and political things. I had worked very hard for two days trying to come up with new ways to think to get us through this time and had forgotten to eat or reach out to friends or family. I realized I needed a couple of days of physical and spiritual self-care to get myself back into a better mindset. Since the biggest feeling I was having was loneliness, I reached out to people in my life. I got some healthy food. I did EFT tapping with a group of friends online. By about 1 pm I was at least feeling like I could survive the day and not be ruled by my bad mood-and not hurt anyone else with it. It was hard. I actually had to admit I’m feeling hate for someone right now, and that’s not usually in my vocabulary. It’s something I need to sit with. I hope your bad mood has shifted. ❤️😊
Hey Wendy. Thanks! My bad mood did shift and probably it was in part due to the fear and anger I created in response to some of the things you are probably feeling about. In fact, I don't know if you saw it, but this post is a muted response to some of the public things.
@Marianne Williamson had posted that anyone who is not using their platform to speak out is on the wrong side of history. I like Marianne but I also think that, where she used to help regulate the political discourse, now the political discourse is regulating her.
But I did take what she said to heart. And this post is--in my intention--as much about the politics of this country and world as it is about my mood. Because frankly, I think we need to all stop fucking hurting each other because we are in a bad mood.
And that is what I chose to say in response to Marianne's call. This is what I meant by "Of course, people in bad moods do write things that make others angry and fearful and in a bad mood all the time. I don't want to."
IMHO turning the other cheek--a Christian expression though I am Buddhist--is the only way forward for this world. Someone has to decide that they are not going to pay their bad mood forward and instead sit in love of their mood and then move from compassion and love towards everyone else's bad mood.
BY THE WAY, remember the one-day process workshop we did in NYC years ago? It is late notice for you but we are doing one here in the Hamptons on June 28. Want to come?
Yes. As often is the case, we are mentally and emotionally on the same page right now. Probably literally because I just completed two books about the value of community, reciprocity, and forgiveness in alleviating our own and each other’s suffering in a world that has become disconnected. I would absolutely love to come to your encounter group, but Story is getting married that day in Columbus, Ohio. I’ll be with you in spirit. ❤️
Regarding the "turn the other cheek" thing that's coming up for you. I used to think it was just about "being the bigger person," which I decided isn't really a thing. Then, I thought it was about being purely forgiving and humble when others are being hateful, but that makes one a doormat. A pastor I knew who used Jesus as a model for social justice action rather than a deity said this: When a person was put in prison for being a minority race at the time and a soldier struck him across the face out of the institutional demand of the time, the soldier was just acting out of condition and control of the authority of the time. By turning the other cheek, the prisoner was saying, "I know you are really human, and you have your own choice in this matter. When you see me as human and remember your own humanity, do you really want to strike me again?" I love that interpretation.
Hi Wendy. I like that interpretation, too (and definitely not the bigger person one LOL). Like any good parable, I think there are many ways to look at it.
However, I wonder whether an interpretation that relies on the possibility of the other person changing may be problematic and, in fact, a form of passive aggression.
I will say that this is a thing that has slipped into the social change movement--non-violence as a strategy along other strategies for change--as opposed to a true transformation of self.
The call to love actually requires a deep change in myself. That I learn to love the pattern of existence as it is (not as I want it to be).
That changes my motivation from one of fear and anger to one of compassion and generosity and creativity. It makes me act from love instead of towards pre-defined results.
The changes occur at the spiritual level for all involved and not in the material. They are inexplicable. And difficult in a movement that insists it "believes in science" (making science yet another religion to fight about).
And, as Suzuki Roshi said about how anger should only last as long as it takes for a snowflake to melt on a wood stove, "I wish I could do that."
I also love your viewpoint. It think I may vacillate between all of them depending on how loving or "evolved" I may be feeling at the moment. Being human, I go all over the place. Sometimes, "I see you, can you see me too?" is the best I have. Sometimes, "I love you and life, and that's enough," can happen. It's just a rocky internal sea these days. That's just the reality of it. I just keep trying to show up for the conversation with openness, curiosity, and love to see what happens next.
I'm still at the beginning of my journey with acknowledging what's happening inside me, but I've made a lot of progress. And so when a bad mood knocks on my door I acknowledge it. I say out loud: "I'm in a bad mood today. It will pass."
But it took me years to get here. Before I would allow it to take me on a crazy rollercoaster of emotions, from anger to tears. To the point I would feel exhausted at the end of the day. It was my partner (now husband) who told me to pause and reflect. He was the one to call it first by its name "You're in a bad mood" and hug me instead of attack back. That helped me a lot.
Hi Jack!!! LOL
Bad moods, like any moods, are poignant indicators. I used to push them away, distract myself from them, even shove them down so I wouldn't have to truly face them. Now, I get curious. What's catalyzing the bad mood? What do I need? What is stirring? And how can I truly sit in it and let it fully in? There is always beautiful, crunchy wisdom in stored in there.
xoxo
Something I've noticed in myself is that often what feels like the onset of a bad mood is more accurately described as the friction of a change in what's alive for me. Maybe I was doing one thing and really enjoying it and then I wind up trying to hold on to that particular feeling through that activity instead of noticing that that moment has passed and it's time for whatever's next. I feel like the trick, which I haven't mastered yet, is to have just enough friction to be able to act in the world but not so much as to be battered by the natural flow of life.
Hi Kimberly. Yes to this! The friction of change for what's alive for me. I have been contemplating how anxiety and depression for me, when they come, are often related to ways in which I am frustrating my own creative expression--in art and life.
I will share that earlier today I was out and someone asked me to change my behavior towards them. I am not going into details but I will promise that I wasn't doing anything unkind. I told them, frankly, that I absolutely was not going to change the behavior and that if they needed to not be in the presence of it then they would just have to choose not to be in the presence of me.
It felt so powerful and wonderful to find myself saying that, and easily, without a lot of thought.
Then, the person said that, actually, they liked the way that I behaved towards them but that they just found it hard to be with.
The rules! It is scary to break them all the time but the more I do, the less bad moods I have.
And of course that's a whole nother level - including another person in the dance of what's alive. Sometimes I find the option you describe to be right for me as well, determining that this is what I'm doing and what being with me means. Other times, say if I'm doing an activity with others or caring for a child, I don't want the consequences of following only my own flow, so I need to expand my sense of aliveness to include the needs or preferences of others. When I'm highly compatible with someone, that might come naturally and effortlessly, but it doesn't always.
By the way, I go by Kimberly. "K" is also fine if you don't want to type all those letters :-)
Noted and edited to Kimberly above. :)
Yes to what you say. All teaching is provisional. Nothing applies in all cases and all times. If it did, that would be rules, too.
By the way, whatever happened with you and transpersonal psychology? Feel free to message me if you don't want to say here.
I'm amazed that you remember that! I'm enrolled in the online master's program through Atlantic University. This term I took an independent study because the course I was planning to take had insufficient enrollment. I've got about a week and a half left and am working on the final paper at this very moment.
Have you followed the links through to any of my in-person or online workshops. I think you might be interested. Look in the post. One is in-person is coming on June 28.
What will you do with degree? Have you found more satisfying work?
Sorry for the slow response - I'm not very familiar with this platform and didn't notice the notifications. I honestly don't know what I'll do with the degree in a practical sense; I just knew I wanted the kind of in-depth study that comes with term papers and interactions with others. As far as work goes, I have a few leads but nothing paying yet. But I'm really excited about the CareerShifters Launch Pad starting in July - I mentioned it at the first of the recent online workshops. I think you might appreciate their approach. I don't know a lot, of course, since the program hasn't started yet, but they're all about connecting with people in an organic way and getting out and trying things.
You might be interested to know that I subscribed to your newsletter after reading your book How to Be Alive (saw it during a random wander in the library) and then looking you up online to find out more. I very much enjoyed the book and particularly resonated with the part about the cycle of loneliness and how to break it.
“No one is unkind for the sake of being unkind. People are unkind because they are uncomfortable and they think that what they do will shift their discomfort.”
Love this!
When I can get still enough to talk to my grumpy brain like it’s a poor grumpy creature, when I can ask it what it needs (often sleep or food or quiet time alone) and tell it I will take care of it as soon as I’m able, I find the darker moods pass sooner rather than later. Unlike when I was younger, this helps me tend to the mood myself without grumpily bumping into the world around me.
Of course, you said all this so eloquently here, but thanks for asking for us to join in!
Hope your bad mood has passed.
It did. It did. Thanks for the well wish. They never last long. And thanks for weighing in, Sarah!
I’m rarely in a bad mood, and when one hits, it’s very painful. I was in a dark place last Sunday with a lot of social and political things. I had worked very hard for two days trying to come up with new ways to think to get us through this time and had forgotten to eat or reach out to friends or family. I realized I needed a couple of days of physical and spiritual self-care to get myself back into a better mindset. Since the biggest feeling I was having was loneliness, I reached out to people in my life. I got some healthy food. I did EFT tapping with a group of friends online. By about 1 pm I was at least feeling like I could survive the day and not be ruled by my bad mood-and not hurt anyone else with it. It was hard. I actually had to admit I’m feeling hate for someone right now, and that’s not usually in my vocabulary. It’s something I need to sit with. I hope your bad mood has shifted. ❤️😊
Hey Wendy. Thanks! My bad mood did shift and probably it was in part due to the fear and anger I created in response to some of the things you are probably feeling about. In fact, I don't know if you saw it, but this post is a muted response to some of the public things.
@Marianne Williamson had posted that anyone who is not using their platform to speak out is on the wrong side of history. I like Marianne but I also think that, where she used to help regulate the political discourse, now the political discourse is regulating her.
But I did take what she said to heart. And this post is--in my intention--as much about the politics of this country and world as it is about my mood. Because frankly, I think we need to all stop fucking hurting each other because we are in a bad mood.
And that is what I chose to say in response to Marianne's call. This is what I meant by "Of course, people in bad moods do write things that make others angry and fearful and in a bad mood all the time. I don't want to."
IMHO turning the other cheek--a Christian expression though I am Buddhist--is the only way forward for this world. Someone has to decide that they are not going to pay their bad mood forward and instead sit in love of their mood and then move from compassion and love towards everyone else's bad mood.
BY THE WAY, remember the one-day process workshop we did in NYC years ago? It is late notice for you but we are doing one here in the Hamptons on June 28. Want to come?
Yes. As often is the case, we are mentally and emotionally on the same page right now. Probably literally because I just completed two books about the value of community, reciprocity, and forgiveness in alleviating our own and each other’s suffering in a world that has become disconnected. I would absolutely love to come to your encounter group, but Story is getting married that day in Columbus, Ohio. I’ll be with you in spirit. ❤️
Yay to Story!!
Regarding the "turn the other cheek" thing that's coming up for you. I used to think it was just about "being the bigger person," which I decided isn't really a thing. Then, I thought it was about being purely forgiving and humble when others are being hateful, but that makes one a doormat. A pastor I knew who used Jesus as a model for social justice action rather than a deity said this: When a person was put in prison for being a minority race at the time and a soldier struck him across the face out of the institutional demand of the time, the soldier was just acting out of condition and control of the authority of the time. By turning the other cheek, the prisoner was saying, "I know you are really human, and you have your own choice in this matter. When you see me as human and remember your own humanity, do you really want to strike me again?" I love that interpretation.
Hi Wendy. I like that interpretation, too (and definitely not the bigger person one LOL). Like any good parable, I think there are many ways to look at it.
However, I wonder whether an interpretation that relies on the possibility of the other person changing may be problematic and, in fact, a form of passive aggression.
I will say that this is a thing that has slipped into the social change movement--non-violence as a strategy along other strategies for change--as opposed to a true transformation of self.
The call to love actually requires a deep change in myself. That I learn to love the pattern of existence as it is (not as I want it to be).
That changes my motivation from one of fear and anger to one of compassion and generosity and creativity. It makes me act from love instead of towards pre-defined results.
The changes occur at the spiritual level for all involved and not in the material. They are inexplicable. And difficult in a movement that insists it "believes in science" (making science yet another religion to fight about).
And, as Suzuki Roshi said about how anger should only last as long as it takes for a snowflake to melt on a wood stove, "I wish I could do that."
I also love your viewpoint. It think I may vacillate between all of them depending on how loving or "evolved" I may be feeling at the moment. Being human, I go all over the place. Sometimes, "I see you, can you see me too?" is the best I have. Sometimes, "I love you and life, and that's enough," can happen. It's just a rocky internal sea these days. That's just the reality of it. I just keep trying to show up for the conversation with openness, curiosity, and love to see what happens next.