I'm starting to realize that not everyone deserves to hear my story. Sharing parts of yourself with someone is kind of like giving them a gift. Some people take that gift seriously—they really listen, connect, and see you for who you are. And sometimes, that kind of openness even encourages them to share in return.
But then there are people who just want to know—like it's an interview or something. You open up, and suddenly it feels like you’re under a microscope. It’s uncomfortable, like you’re exposed but not really seen. And that makes me wonder… am I struggling with this because deep down, I want to control how people see me? Even though I say I don’t care?
Maybe it's my ego stepping in, only wanting to share when it feels “safe” or when I can predict the outcome. I don’t know. Just trying to figure it out.
Hi Colin Thank you for this thoughtful post. Sometimes when I share vulnerable things about myself they are met with criticism and judgment. As a result, I'm cautious about what I say and to whom I say it. My areas of vulnerability are my fragile health (I try to pretend that I'm strong and resilient), a fear of dying, a fear of being totally alone, and my financial instability. I've found that many people, including my family, don't want to hear about these things and aren't capable of discussing them, maybe because they don't know how to deal with their own emotions. So I mostly keep these things to myself, and it's lonely. It makes me feel alone and isolated. There's also a feeling of shame that goes along with it, like I'm the only one experiencing these things, and it's all my fault. A feeling that I'm a failure.
Hi Cassandra. Yes, vulnerability can have a backlash which is why it vulnerable. There is sharing to be comforted and sharing to teach and sharing to identify and all sorts of sharing. Sometimes I share because I want advice and sometimes I share because I want tender treatment. It helps me to know what response I am looking for and then 1. Choose the appropriate person who I am confident can deliver it (don't go the hardware store for oranges, as they say) and then 2. Actually ask for the response I want ("please can you not advise me but just be tender towards me").
To be clear, I like to answer comments and play with potential ways to be, but I don't pretend I know you or your situation better than you. So take what I say with a boulder-sized grain of salt. :)
That's funny about the boulder-sized grain of salt! Thanks, Colin. I appreciate your thoughts and will reflect on appropraie people and asking for the response that I want.
Wow Colin, thank you. I've always been awed by how you model authenticity, it's why I've read/followed you for so long and still keenly do. This comforting, consoling, reassuring and inspiring wisdom landed exactly when I needed it to. I've been wrangling with my original question for a while and was halfway through drafting an essay while still contending with the whole hiding versus writing as service thing. Your reframe is invaluable to me, and your questions too. Which I'll sit with - and then write/share! Deep bows of gratitude.
Thanks for your encouragement and support, Colin! After a hiatus (which in the spirit of practicing what I preach, I'm retrospectively re-framing as a phase of incubation rather than squandered time!), I finally managed to get something out of myself and into the world - because among the things your post made me remember is that I care for the way we relate to our minds, and know/believe that the words we use can help or hinder, which makes a difference on every level. Here's to going ever onward! https://substack.com/@aliyamughal/note/c-111635932
Thank you Colin, your honesty and non judgmental approach to yourself and others is touching and inspiring!
I sometimes get stressed when there are assignments or questions posed at me - for example when you ask about my stand 😅 I wonder whether I have one or whether it’s still up to date…
So today I’m just gonna return to one of those incredible sentences that life has presented me and that resonated in me strongly - it runs: “Speak and act with respect towards self, others and place”. I inhaled it at the Pullenvale Environmental Education Centre in Queensland Australia more than 10 years ago. The value of respect (and in recent years I’m trying to add love whenever possible) and the clarity about this/these threefold receiver(s) is like a bright star 🌟 giving me purpose.
Sometimes my own expansion and alignment is actually very uncomfortable and even stressful. So a question like “what is your stand?” can make me want to turn away even when contemplating it might actually be growth enhancing in the long term.
Here is a gentle practice that I am actually using myself. When I turn away from something because it makes me uncomfortable, instead of just saying “Ew, that’s uncomfortable,” I bring the decision into full consciousness. I say, “I am deciding positively not to do that potentially growth enhancing thing because it feels uncomfortable.”
I don’t judge myself for it. I just make it very conscious. The reason is because when I own that I am consciously deciding to turn away, that I am in my agency, I make it clear to myself that I can choose growth enhancement, even though it is uncomfortable, next time.
Thanks Colin! You are pointing out a very important point: avoidance of uncomfortable questions/feelings/situations.
Very much like that gentle practice you shared. Especially the aspect of agency and the self confidence to know that I can choose it another time - consciously.
For me recently I would say that being in touch with my capacity (eg the capacity to be uncomfortable) has helped me to make wise choices about turning towards / away from different growth areas in my life. I realised that wanting to address all potential questions all at once just leads me to be overwhelmed. But choosing those that I feel like are my current quest has helped me to move forward (and eventually onward to new quests).
It's taken me many relationships and one divorce to realize that, while I do enjoy having someone to do things with and to share things with, at my core I think I'm happier when I'm not attached to someone else. That may change if I find the right person, but for now I'm not willing to take the time to look because my life is full as it is. I would be happy if society (and my family) would accept that and stop trying to push me to have a partner.
I would tell my husband exactly what I think, now that I'm not really afraid. I learned to hide, only to avoid the reactions I received, and that has become a habit. I don't do that with anyone else! I relate to many of the things you say about yourself; thank you! I'm generally authentic, and share too much. I do wish I could be that with the one supposedly closest to me.
In a piece I posted on Substack this week, I talked about the perils of trying to fit in (losing yourself) and the perils of living life on your own terms (losing others). I was telling my therapist about this. He took it one step farther and said that living your life authentically was a pathway to connection to others.
Theresa, wow, I was only just thinking of a post called The Earthquake Of Living In Alignment. If we are unaligned and we move into alignment, it does shake our current relationships. But it also moves us into new more aligned relationships. Scary! Good!
Interesting timing for me. I had gotten word that I and several of my coworkers were going to lose our jobs due to funding cuts unless a miracle happened. I put more direct effort into trying to establish myself as an independent editor (focusing on academic journal articles to start, but willing to work on almost anything) and got a couple responses from people who were interested in what I had to offer. Then got word that the miracle happened and our jobs were safe for the next year. I've decided that the right thing for me is still to leave my current job and try to make self-employment work, but it's scary - I won't qualify for any unemployment benefits, and I've always been told not to leave your job before you have another one lined up. Right now the possibilities are exciting, and it feels more like running towards something than running away, but it's still possible I could fall on my face and be in a worse situation than if I had stayed.
The thing I really wanted to add and then forgot was that I feel like I can tell myself a story that the universe gave me exactly what I needed - the push that believing I was going to lose my job provided, but without the harm to everyone else that would have resulted if the cuts had gone through. I don't know if that's a true story, but it helps me feel like it's okay for me to do what I'm doing.
Hi Kimberly. I will tell you what I tell my clients: stories are neither true nor not true. They cannot contain reality. The question is whether a story moves us in the direction we want to go or not. Sounds like the story here does that for you!! If you were a client, I'd say, no need to question.
As for your choice to be a freelance editor and following the possibilities versus the chance of a worse situation, it is a matter of what story you choose about why you are alive. Are you alive to follow authentic possibilities, come what may? Then, you can stand in that story and simply commit beyond question to making your choice work.
Not that I now you or your life better than you! But these are the ways I would speak to someone I am working with. Good luck!! It sounds exciting!!!
I'm starting to realize that not everyone deserves to hear my story. Sharing parts of yourself with someone is kind of like giving them a gift. Some people take that gift seriously—they really listen, connect, and see you for who you are. And sometimes, that kind of openness even encourages them to share in return.
But then there are people who just want to know—like it's an interview or something. You open up, and suddenly it feels like you’re under a microscope. It’s uncomfortable, like you’re exposed but not really seen. And that makes me wonder… am I struggling with this because deep down, I want to control how people see me? Even though I say I don’t care?
Maybe it's my ego stepping in, only wanting to share when it feels “safe” or when I can predict the outcome. I don’t know. Just trying to figure it out.
PG, it sounds like, for you, telling your truth is a new experiment in living and you are finding your way. I am excited for you to do that!!
Hi Colin Thank you for this thoughtful post. Sometimes when I share vulnerable things about myself they are met with criticism and judgment. As a result, I'm cautious about what I say and to whom I say it. My areas of vulnerability are my fragile health (I try to pretend that I'm strong and resilient), a fear of dying, a fear of being totally alone, and my financial instability. I've found that many people, including my family, don't want to hear about these things and aren't capable of discussing them, maybe because they don't know how to deal with their own emotions. So I mostly keep these things to myself, and it's lonely. It makes me feel alone and isolated. There's also a feeling of shame that goes along with it, like I'm the only one experiencing these things, and it's all my fault. A feeling that I'm a failure.
Hi Cassandra. Yes, vulnerability can have a backlash which is why it vulnerable. There is sharing to be comforted and sharing to teach and sharing to identify and all sorts of sharing. Sometimes I share because I want advice and sometimes I share because I want tender treatment. It helps me to know what response I am looking for and then 1. Choose the appropriate person who I am confident can deliver it (don't go the hardware store for oranges, as they say) and then 2. Actually ask for the response I want ("please can you not advise me but just be tender towards me").
To be clear, I like to answer comments and play with potential ways to be, but I don't pretend I know you or your situation better than you. So take what I say with a boulder-sized grain of salt. :)
That's funny about the boulder-sized grain of salt! Thanks, Colin. I appreciate your thoughts and will reflect on appropraie people and asking for the response that I want.
Cassandra, you are not alone, I can totally relate to some of your vulnerabilities! And oh yes, I know the shame, for example around issues of health!
Wow Colin, thank you. I've always been awed by how you model authenticity, it's why I've read/followed you for so long and still keenly do. This comforting, consoling, reassuring and inspiring wisdom landed exactly when I needed it to. I've been wrangling with my original question for a while and was halfway through drafting an essay while still contending with the whole hiding versus writing as service thing. Your reframe is invaluable to me, and your questions too. Which I'll sit with - and then write/share! Deep bows of gratitude.
Aliya, can't wait to hear how it goes. Please let me know!
Thanks for your encouragement and support, Colin! After a hiatus (which in the spirit of practicing what I preach, I'm retrospectively re-framing as a phase of incubation rather than squandered time!), I finally managed to get something out of myself and into the world - because among the things your post made me remember is that I care for the way we relate to our minds, and know/believe that the words we use can help or hinder, which makes a difference on every level. Here's to going ever onward! https://substack.com/@aliyamughal/note/c-111635932
This is lovely. I so appreciate your vulnerability and find it incredibly healing.
Sarah, thank you. I cannot tell you how much affirmation like your comment gives me energy to do this work!!
Thank you Colin, your honesty and non judgmental approach to yourself and others is touching and inspiring!
I sometimes get stressed when there are assignments or questions posed at me - for example when you ask about my stand 😅 I wonder whether I have one or whether it’s still up to date…
So today I’m just gonna return to one of those incredible sentences that life has presented me and that resonated in me strongly - it runs: “Speak and act with respect towards self, others and place”. I inhaled it at the Pullenvale Environmental Education Centre in Queensland Australia more than 10 years ago. The value of respect (and in recent years I’m trying to add love whenever possible) and the clarity about this/these threefold receiver(s) is like a bright star 🌟 giving me purpose.
Johannes, are you interested in my honest response to your comment?
Absolutely, go for it!
Sometimes my own expansion and alignment is actually very uncomfortable and even stressful. So a question like “what is your stand?” can make me want to turn away even when contemplating it might actually be growth enhancing in the long term.
Here is a gentle practice that I am actually using myself. When I turn away from something because it makes me uncomfortable, instead of just saying “Ew, that’s uncomfortable,” I bring the decision into full consciousness. I say, “I am deciding positively not to do that potentially growth enhancing thing because it feels uncomfortable.”
I don’t judge myself for it. I just make it very conscious. The reason is because when I own that I am consciously deciding to turn away, that I am in my agency, I make it clear to myself that I can choose growth enhancement, even though it is uncomfortable, next time.
Make sense?
Thanks Colin! You are pointing out a very important point: avoidance of uncomfortable questions/feelings/situations.
Very much like that gentle practice you shared. Especially the aspect of agency and the self confidence to know that I can choose it another time - consciously.
For me recently I would say that being in touch with my capacity (eg the capacity to be uncomfortable) has helped me to make wise choices about turning towards / away from different growth areas in my life. I realised that wanting to address all potential questions all at once just leads me to be overwhelmed. But choosing those that I feel like are my current quest has helped me to move forward (and eventually onward to new quests).
Thanks for living authentically and out loud Colin!
I'm interested in your talk tonight.
You can keep me company while I lay with my children at bedtime ☺️
Hi Lorena. Thank you. I’m so sorry. I saw your comment too late but I’m doing it again next week and will get you the link.
It's taken me many relationships and one divorce to realize that, while I do enjoy having someone to do things with and to share things with, at my core I think I'm happier when I'm not attached to someone else. That may change if I find the right person, but for now I'm not willing to take the time to look because my life is full as it is. I would be happy if society (and my family) would accept that and stop trying to push me to have a partner.
I would tell my husband exactly what I think, now that I'm not really afraid. I learned to hide, only to avoid the reactions I received, and that has become a habit. I don't do that with anyone else! I relate to many of the things you say about yourself; thank you! I'm generally authentic, and share too much. I do wish I could be that with the one supposedly closest to me.
In a piece I posted on Substack this week, I talked about the perils of trying to fit in (losing yourself) and the perils of living life on your own terms (losing others). I was telling my therapist about this. He took it one step farther and said that living your life authentically was a pathway to connection to others.
Theresa, wow, I was only just thinking of a post called The Earthquake Of Living In Alignment. If we are unaligned and we move into alignment, it does shake our current relationships. But it also moves us into new more aligned relationships. Scary! Good!
Thank you Colin
Interesting timing for me. I had gotten word that I and several of my coworkers were going to lose our jobs due to funding cuts unless a miracle happened. I put more direct effort into trying to establish myself as an independent editor (focusing on academic journal articles to start, but willing to work on almost anything) and got a couple responses from people who were interested in what I had to offer. Then got word that the miracle happened and our jobs were safe for the next year. I've decided that the right thing for me is still to leave my current job and try to make self-employment work, but it's scary - I won't qualify for any unemployment benefits, and I've always been told not to leave your job before you have another one lined up. Right now the possibilities are exciting, and it feels more like running towards something than running away, but it's still possible I could fall on my face and be in a worse situation than if I had stayed.
The thing I really wanted to add and then forgot was that I feel like I can tell myself a story that the universe gave me exactly what I needed - the push that believing I was going to lose my job provided, but without the harm to everyone else that would have resulted if the cuts had gone through. I don't know if that's a true story, but it helps me feel like it's okay for me to do what I'm doing.
Hi Kimberly. I will tell you what I tell my clients: stories are neither true nor not true. They cannot contain reality. The question is whether a story moves us in the direction we want to go or not. Sounds like the story here does that for you!! If you were a client, I'd say, no need to question.
As for your choice to be a freelance editor and following the possibilities versus the chance of a worse situation, it is a matter of what story you choose about why you are alive. Are you alive to follow authentic possibilities, come what may? Then, you can stand in that story and simply commit beyond question to making your choice work.
Not that I now you or your life better than you! But these are the ways I would speak to someone I am working with. Good luck!! It sounds exciting!!!