A place for love in our leadership?
About the practical use of love to create the teams, citizens, children, society we want to see
I moved my newsletter to Substack because it’s a place where we can converse. Today, I’d love for us to converse in the comments about the place of love in leadership–of our selves, our coaching practices, our families, our organizations, our society. Will you please join in?
Below, I tell a story that is for everyone—leader or not—and broadly about love. It talks about making people feel their value. The story itself is not exactly about leadership but I am interested in how the story might inform the question of love in leadership. Please join in the conversation by subscribing and leaving a comment below.
Are You Already Perfect?
During the day, I am a coach to impact-driven leaders, creatives and guides. But in my spare time, I am an authorized Zen teacher.
Once, I was sitting in the consulting room at Cambridge Zen Center. What happens is that I sit there and I have a little handbell and when I ring it, a participant who has been meditating in the Dharma room comes in.
One by one, they come in and we have a conversation about whatever they need to talk about and then I ring the bell again and someone else comes in.
My job is not to dispense wisdom–as if I could!-but to help the participants find their own wisdom.
⏸️ Take a Moment To Reflect Here: How, as leaders of families, social groups, organizations, have you helped people find their own wisdom instead of dispensing your own? How has it been more or less reflective?
At one point a participant came in and said they wanted to begin meditating at home and not just at the Zen center. I asked what stops them. They said they couldn’t “do it right.” A lot of people say that in these conversations: “I don’t meditate right.”
I replied, “You are doing it perfectly.”
Meditation, you see, is not about stopping the mind but about understanding it. Seeing how it operates.
I said, “You sat there meditating and what happened is that you observed your mind telling you were not doing it right.
“Now you have some insight about how your mind works. That is the point of meditation. To learn how your mind works. You learned that your mind has a habit of telling you that you are not doing it right.”
I continued, “Me too! My mind tells me I am not doing it right.
“Not just when I am meditating. All the time. You are not doing this right. You aren’t doing that right.”
If you see that, then you realize that what your mind says has nothing to do with whether you do it right or not. It is just a habit of your mind. You aren’t doing it right. It just says that all the time!
I added, “When you observe that your mind is doing what it always does, then you are meditating perfectly. After that, you can realize that you don’t have to attach to your thinking and you are free.”
The participant nodded.
I said, “Your thinking wants you to become perfect. But you can never become perfect. Do you know why?”
“Why?” the student asked.
“I am going to tell you why. I want you to listen very closely because this is very important. It is very important for you to understand why you can never become perfect.”
“Ok, tell me. I am listening.”
“You can never become perfect,” I said again.
The student nodded.
“You cannot become perfect because you are already 100% perfect. You are perfect. Complete. Perfect. Do you understand?”
⏸️ Take a Moment To Reflect Here: How would your life feel different if you believed you were already complete, right now, as you are? But also, how would your team members, children, colleagues behave if they thought you viewed them as perfect? Not necessarily all of their behavior or work, but them?
The participant began to cry.
People often cry when I tell them they are perfect in the consulting room.
I sometimes get a little weepy, too. Because it seems to me that the reason people cry when I tell them they are perfect is because it is such a rare experience. It is so rare that we tell each other that we are perfect and loved.
Words don’t just describe. They create. Like casting spells.
If you tell someone they are perfect and loved, in that moment, they become perfect and loved. With so much amazing magical power to make people feel perfect and loved, why would we not use it all the time?
“Is there anything else we need to talk about?” I asked the participant.
“No,” she said. “Thank you.”
She got up, bowed and left. I rang the handbell. Another participant came in.
What Is The Power of Love In Leadership
I’m curious to hear: What do you think?
I’ve had leaders and parents and even people in romantic partnerships tell me that we shouldn’t tell people they are perfect because, well, what if they are not performing well? But is being loving or withdrawing love a motivation technique?
I’ve also had leaders ask, how can I love someone if I have to dismiss them? Or not give them the sought-after promotion?
What are your thoughts on the place of love in leadership? Please join in the conversation in the comments and we will see what we can learn together.
Love,
Colin
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Sometimes leaders, parents, friends, lovers use love and approval and the withdrawal of love and approval as a technique to motivate people to perform or act in a certain way. The thing is, what happens then is that people become motivated by the prospect of winning love and approval and fearful of losing it. They are not actually motivated to do the task or behavior.
As a childhood example, my mother got mad if I didn't eat my peas at dinner. That motivated me. But not to eat my peas. Just to avoid her disapproval. So when she went in the kitchen, I took my peas off my plate and hid them behind a bookshelf. I avoided her disapproval.
A leader who shows love and approval for a team member's personhood, on the other hand, opens the person to feeling safe to apply their creativity to the task assigned to them. They actually can become motivated, not to win or avoid losing approval, but to reward love with love. To perform well at the actual task because it is the loving, creative thing to do.
This is a comment I wrote in reply to my own post about the place of love in readership and you can read the post here: https://colinbeavan.substack.com/p/is-there-a-place-for-love-in-leadership
As a body worker (massage and energy- not car lol) I often tell people they are “a miracle” and get a similar response. I believe that reflecting the essence of what we see in others is “loving” and essential in leadership and life. It brings us all to a fuller experience of life AND is a positive energy exchange rather than a drain (which is what can happen with our assessing and judging brain). I wish I could stay in this space of “perfect” more regularly and am grateful for reminders! Thank you Colin