Sometimes leaders, parents, friends, lovers use love and approval and the withdrawal of love and approval as a technique to motivate people to perform or act in a certain way. The thing is, what happens then is that people become motivated by the prospect of winning love and approval and fearful of losing it. They are not actually motivated to do the task or behavior.
As a childhood example, my mother got mad if I didn't eat my peas at dinner. That motivated me. But not to eat my peas. Just to avoid her disapproval. So when she went in the kitchen, I took my peas off my plate and hid them behind a bookshelf. I avoided her disapproval.
A leader who shows love and approval for a team member's personhood, on the other hand, opens the person to feeling safe to apply their creativity to the task assigned to them. They actually can become motivated, not to win or avoid losing approval, but to reward love with love. To perform well at the actual task because it is the loving, creative thing to do.
As a body worker (massage and energy- not car lol) I often tell people they are “a miracle” and get a similar response. I believe that reflecting the essence of what we see in others is “loving” and essential in leadership and life. It brings us all to a fuller experience of life AND is a positive energy exchange rather than a drain (which is what can happen with our assessing and judging brain). I wish I could stay in this space of “perfect” more regularly and am grateful for reminders! Thank you Colin
Nice post Colin. Love has the ability to transcend arbitrary relational norms but one must be a non-consensus thinker to formulate such a “love relationship”. Most seek or dispense love within one or more pre-existing formats. E.g. marriage, nuclear family, best friend …
Not to be argumentative, Vinay, but not only is there a blueprint but a Grand Design. It is THE grand design. It’s not in our spreadsheets and strategies. It’s everywhere. It’s in a cup of coffee if it is made in the right spirit. It’s imperative we don’t wait until we are on our deathbeds to find it.
I think we can love the imperfect. In leadership it means people are likely to feel seen and valued. This doesn't mean they'll acquire the skills needed, but it is probably the best environment to learn in.
I love this, Colin! It made me cry, too. You're right that we rarely hear anyone tell us that we're perfect as we are. I guess we have to tell ourselves that and let it suffice.
Sometimes leaders, parents, friends, lovers use love and approval and the withdrawal of love and approval as a technique to motivate people to perform or act in a certain way. The thing is, what happens then is that people become motivated by the prospect of winning love and approval and fearful of losing it. They are not actually motivated to do the task or behavior.
As a childhood example, my mother got mad if I didn't eat my peas at dinner. That motivated me. But not to eat my peas. Just to avoid her disapproval. So when she went in the kitchen, I took my peas off my plate and hid them behind a bookshelf. I avoided her disapproval.
A leader who shows love and approval for a team member's personhood, on the other hand, opens the person to feeling safe to apply their creativity to the task assigned to them. They actually can become motivated, not to win or avoid losing approval, but to reward love with love. To perform well at the actual task because it is the loving, creative thing to do.
This is a comment I wrote in reply to my own post about the place of love in readership and you can read the post here: https://colinbeavan.substack.com/p/is-there-a-place-for-love-in-leadership
As a body worker (massage and energy- not car lol) I often tell people they are “a miracle” and get a similar response. I believe that reflecting the essence of what we see in others is “loving” and essential in leadership and life. It brings us all to a fuller experience of life AND is a positive energy exchange rather than a drain (which is what can happen with our assessing and judging brain). I wish I could stay in this space of “perfect” more regularly and am grateful for reminders! Thank you Colin
Nice post Colin. Love has the ability to transcend arbitrary relational norms but one must be a non-consensus thinker to formulate such a “love relationship”. Most seek or dispense love within one or more pre-existing formats. E.g. marriage, nuclear family, best friend …
Nah ah, Vinay. I think you’re imagining that I’m talking about romantic love here. I am talking about filial or universal love. Nice to see you here!!
Even Universal Love though - there is no blueprint for that - it can / should mean something personal for anyone who practices it.
Not to be argumentative, Vinay, but not only is there a blueprint but a Grand Design. It is THE grand design. It’s not in our spreadsheets and strategies. It’s everywhere. It’s in a cup of coffee if it is made in the right spirit. It’s imperative we don’t wait until we are on our deathbeds to find it.
I think I am agreeing with you. The grand design you mention. The “how” is up to each individual right?
Oh!! I understand. Yes!! Thank you for clarifying!!
I think we can love the imperfect. In leadership it means people are likely to feel seen and valued. This doesn't mean they'll acquire the skills needed, but it is probably the best environment to learn in.
Hi Evan. Yes, thanks. It’s like the best container from which to offer other forms of leadership guidance.
I love this, Colin! It made me cry, too. You're right that we rarely hear anyone tell us that we're perfect as we are. I guess we have to tell ourselves that and let it suffice.
You are already perfect, Cassandra!
Thank you, Colin. You are perfect as well.